Melissa tweeted,Â ”Hv nt seen CB b repentant bout anything other thn how it affected him. Ans quests with class, be stand up in ev way, then maybe”.
“Answer questions with class, be stand up in every way”; her feelings seemed similar to Lisa’s, who commented that Chris Brown “always appears so angry and volatile, never remorseful and humble”.
Robyn noted Brown was only 3 years into his 5 years probation:Â Â ”He hasn’t yet paid his debt to society.”
Rhett commented, “They donâ€™t see him showing his remorse by making PSAâ€™s in support of domestic abuse centers or hot lines.”
Do I understand these feelings and the emotion behind them? Absolutely.Â But as I read Melissa’s tweet to me, I wondered: how would she define being “stand up in every way”; how many different versions of that must there be, given the millions Chris Brown repulsed. What would make us all feel better about this ugly mess (better enough to maybe even forgive)?
Melissa will have her version. What does remorse and humility look like for Lisa? What does repayment of debt to society look like in Robyn’s eyes, does Rhett’s version of remorse – making PSAs for domestic abuse centers – satisfy that? I don’t think so, since Robyn also makes a point in her response that “courts are not exactly known for handing out heavy sentences for domestic abuse cases”, the subtext to me here being that Chris Brown in a PSA wouldn’t quite do.
In other words, Chris Brown has countless moving parts to please.
So yesterday there was the Chris Brown issue eating at me again, the way it ate at me watching him, pathetic on The Grammy Awards. From it I ultimately realize that I have looked more often than not at the world around me for every aspect in it to be as I see fit – from my own personal perspective – with my happiness, or my ability to forgive, or my ability just to shift a bit all hinging on whether or not the world and its people behave according to me. The sad horrible mess of Chris Brown is a teaching instrument demonstrating so often, in ways obscene and minute, that before we will say we’re happy – or in the Chris Brown case, we will forgive – everything must be just so.
How’s that working for us? When is everything just so? It hasn’t ever been, it can’t ever be, there are too many versions of what ‘just so’ is; 7 billion of us are banging around on our planet now. And Chris Brown, I believe, knows thisÂ subconsciouslyÂ and it’s why outwardly he’s frustrated, why he’s angry, and, perhaps, why he doesn’t “appear remorseful” to us. But “appear remorseful” to what end when there will always be another round of people telling him no, sorry, you aren’t done yet. Â Chris Brown knows nothing he does will please everyone – what he did was that damaging – just as we know (we really do) that he has to have been through a personal internal hell, any glitteryÂ facade because of show business be damned. Grammy-schmammy, imagine the true bitter aftertaste in his soul knowing his Grammy performance / award only made people hate him more; is OJ Simpson truly enjoying his “freedom”?
In the end this isn’t about Chris Brown, though, and yesterday’s post wasn’t about Chris Brown either. Both these posts are about how Chris Brown, and the reactions around him that continue, cause me to look in the mirror at who I am where the subjet of forgiveness is concerned, and, from a broader perspective, where I’m at with my expectations of the world around me. He’s made me give more thought to forgiveness, he’s made me give more thought to the years I’ve spent angry at outcomes, furious at behaviours, livid with circumstances, murderous about unfairness.
In the end, Chris Brown reminds me that I can’t live a life where so many terms and conditions apply, but what a costly lesson he’s taught.