The Hardest #ThoughtRevolution Ever

By the time you read this my husband Patrick and I will have enjoyed aromatherapy massages – so decadent! on a Thursday! in the morning! – at the Spa at Four Seasons Hotel Toronto; today is our fourth wedding anniversary and Patrick has always known Baby likes luxe.

In the taxi there we laughed at an inane voice mail he kept replaying over his phone; after spa I let him know the good news that Hilary is alive – although now being held captive; arrgh! – on The Young & The Restless.

Before I married Patrick four years this afternoon, I sat down a week ahead to write my vows. My desire was to make promises I would actually keep – not spout marital lip service – and I wanted what I said to reflect not what a marriage ‘should’ be, but my desires for what my marriage could be. Here is what I vowed on the brilliant sunny day that was 9.10.11:

Patrick, I’ve come to understand that I’ve spent my whole life refining my version of what it means to be happy,
and in the doing, put the qualities that are You into a sort of escrow – long before I was happy and could see the whole of you.

But it wasn’t until I got happy that I could see the all of you – and realize how really well I had done.
In my appreciation of you today I cannot help but offer appreciation to every relationship, every event,
every circumstance in my life that has launched this reality that is now you and I.

I have come to know that the greatest gift you can give anyone is to be happy.
The greatest gift you can give your partner is to be so connected with who you truly are
– this is why we have a really good time together.

Neither of us ever holds the other responsible for our own state of happiness; we make our lives our own responsibilities.
You let me find out who I am, and I let you discover who you are.

And because of that it’s my knowing that both of us will always find ourselves satisfied beyond our fondest dreams.

Now that I’m here, seeing you in full view, it’s my promise that I will do everything in my power
to keep myself in the aligned, happy place that brought us together, this is what I vow today.

Patrick moved out last week. He wants to insert space into our non-stop often intense lives. Wiser than me often, he can see our marriage will work better right now if we have separate quarters.

Try having a mo-fo #ThoughtRevolution on that one.

It was not easy to accept this as the positive and powerful idea Patrick knows it to be.

Where he could see it, I was blind, deaf, and dumb.

It was also the last thing I expected.

I’m unsure if my core has ever been so shaken. Being married and not living together for a while was, to me, a terrible notion.

So I went off the grid and stayed on friends’ couches for days. I avoided, avoided, avoided. Avoided the feeling of rejection, of betrayal, of abandonment; the rug had been pulled out from under me.

Thoughts in those early dizzy hours were of the pity party variety: This isn’t the way to run a marriage; he should have discussed this; we should have decided this together…

Leaving is still not how I would have played it. But it is his marriage too, and how he played it and to the degree of the sureness of his decision that this is what is right for us (“and a mere page in the book of our lives together”) is the degree to which I have come to respect the fact that for now it’s just me and Ella. If there is one thing I have for Patrick besides love, it is trust.

Oh, but the getting back here. Especially from the starting point of being out of my mind for days. Getting back here has been (as goes any and every #ThoughtRevolution) – a thought by thought by thought by thought journey. I used my life hacks, my five words, I forward felt, I let go of old habits of thought, I rinsed, I repeated, I gave up the need to be right. Each thought that leaned me away from pity pointed me in the direction of Who I Really Am, the man who made a promise four years ago today:

Neither of us ever holds the other responsible for our own state of happiness; we make our lives our own responsibilities.

My #ThoughtRevolution lifted me up and carried me to where I am now. Which is to be in the deepest appreciation for the gifts Patrick has given me to mark four years of marriage: a deep massage for my body, and one for my soul… the soothing, healing knowing that when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place. >Tweetable.

Next Week: The one concept saving me during this experience that you can use anywhere, anytime. Know it – and you will always be okay.

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